Funhouse
by Edward'sLittleSun
Summary: Edward Cullen has NEVER been on a date, and never will. 'Its not that I cant get a date! Its just that I dont want a girlfriend' I yelled. Hi I'm Edward Cullen. UPDATEDDDDDD chapter 4 up!
1. Emmetts plan IS?

Chapter. 1

"Good morning my dearest, dearly, dear brother!" Emmett sang practically skipping into my room.

"What in fucks name do you want Emmett?" I hissed rubbing the morning boogies out of my eyes.

"Guess who's getting married!?" Emmett sang. I rolled my eyes. If this was another one of his attempts to get me to date I'm going to kill him.

"_Who_" I sighed pulling all of my bunched up covers to my lap to cover my painfully large morning wood.

"_Me!!_ And guess who has to move out in a week!? _You!_" He sang in a sing song voice.

I actually think my jaw hit the floor.

"Your getting married to that pretentious bitch Rosalie?" I said in a flat voice.

Emmett threw a t-shirt at me. And made a fake pained face.

"Don't call your soon to be sister -in-law a bitch" he scolded.

"Actually Emmett, a pretentious bitch" I said in a rather fake enthusiastic voice.

"And I have to move out of your house because," I said in a voice that you would use when your trying to persuade a four year old.

"Cuz I don't want my widdle vwigin brodow to cramp me and Roses style every night" Emmett said casually. I shuttered at the thought of my brother wanting something like _that_.

"Shut it Emmett. And where am I supposed to _go_?"

Emmett was already walking out of my room.

"We'll discuss that over breakfast bro, I have an interesting plan actually"

_Uh oh._ Emmett's plans usually ended up with someone in the hospital or someone out to kick his balls.


	2. Peter Pan and Gay man?

Sorry! I haven't updated in ages! I'll try to update more often, Sorry! Again!

After I got changed and washed I headed downstairs to the kitchen, admittedly, exited to hear what Emmett had to say. But it was obviously something stupid.

"Mornin sleepy head!" Emmett boomed ruffling my hair.

"Why would Rose what to marry such a gay man..." I mumbled. Emmett tossed a pancake at me, which I caught in my teeth. I ate it cockily.

We both sat down at the kitchen table and started eating our breakfast.

"So," I started shoving a piece of bacon in my mouth, "what plan have you in mind exactly?" He grinned showing his childish dimples.

"Well, Jazzy is coming over in a couple hours so we can start to make your," he paused a little to long for emphasis.

"Emmett!" I yelled punching him in the arm. I tried mot to flinch, I was kinda, maybe a bit of a woos. But in my defence, he was ripped, so its not my fault!

"Okay, okay, sorry! So anywise, were going to help you make an internet dating profile! Yay!" My face went blank.

"WHAT!" I screeched. I wouldn't be surprised if the whole house shook.

"Calm down Eddie, just listen to me before you start your girly hissy fits" I glared at him but kept my mouth shut.

"The plan is simply this, number one; you find a girl, number two; you fuck her like there's no tomorrow, number three; you move in with her. Simple!" I just started at him with a bit of disgust on my face.

"Emmett, that is the most terrible, low plan I've ever heard in my life! How could you even think of manipulating a woman like that!"

Emmett just rolled his eyes. "I thought of that little flaw after I had imagined this plan up, here's the solution little bro, with your girly ways your bound to fall head over heels for her if u'll fuck her and loose your little virginity Mr. 23 year old. Problem solved!"

I blushed at the words, 'you'll fuck her'.

"this will NEVER work, but I'll give it a shot just to amuse you…" I grumbled.

Emmett smiled, "Okay tinkerbell, time to start packing your bags!" I rolled my eyes, gave Emmett the finger, and stormed upstairs.

I was watching Peter Pan, a rather embarrassing and guilty pleasure of mine, I heard Emmett scream, "Jazzy's here!"

I rolled my eyes, "Here we go…" I mumbled, pausing Peter Pan.

I walked down the metal flight of stairs slowly, like I was approaching my doom. Well, I kinda was…

"Hey Mr. BigMan, ready to find a girl!" Jasper said in his trademark southern accent.

I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, 'Never, you'll never take me alive!' But that couldn't be done, or else I would get the, 'being gay is ok' lecture…. again.

"Okay! Lets get ol' Eddie boy a date!" Jasper said jubilantly.

_O God…_


	3. Yes, yes I do love Peter Pan

"_Okay! Lets get ol' Eddie boy a date!" Jasper said jubilantly._

_xxx_

Jasper, Emmett, and I sat down on the purple leather couch, which I was dead set on not getting by the way.

"Okay! Let's get started" Emmett said excitedly. Jasper was beaming. "ok, well I got your sexiest pic Ed," Emmett said sighing onto the website. I gulped, "which one?" I said nervously. Emmett and Jasper exchanged sly looks. Jasper turned the laptop around to face me and I gasper in horror.

"O my God! You guys can't use that picture of me!" I yelled trying to grab the laptop away from them. Jasper snickered.

It was the most horrible picture of the most horrible day of my life. It was my 23rd birthday, a couple months ago. Emmett had insisted on throwing me a pool party, and he just _had_ to invite the models that he was working with.

Therefore, a very embarrassing picture of my sitting by the pool with a painfully huge lump in the center of my groin.

Jasper whistled again, "It'll get the gals attention, buddy boy!" I groaned and put my head in my hands.

"Ok Edward, your profile is all set up and ready to go, so what are you lookin' for in a gal anywise?" I rolled my eyes. "um, I don't really Emmett, god, this is so damn stupid!" Emmett just rolled his eyes. He pretended to type, "Edward Cullen is interested in finding a she-male with a huge unibrow and pimples as far as thee I can see.." My eyes widened. "No!" I shouted taking the laptop away from Emmett. Him and Jasper chuckled, as I started typing what I actually desired in a woman.

When I was finished I tossed the laptop to Jasper, I didn't trust Emmett.

Jasper laughed as he read it, "A woman who likes to live a little bored! A woman who is pale! Brunettes!" Emmett hollered laugher, "so _that's_ why you don't get dates Eddie!" I rolled my eyes. "Those aren't even the worst ones!" Jasper laughed. "Can you two just quit making fun of me and find my matches already" I grumbled looking at my hands fiddling in my lap.

_xxx ~ one day later __J _

"Hey Eddie! You have two matches!" Emmett laughed. "Wow, two is surprising, even for a dude like you." Emmett teased, "_just one day without teasing me would be just fine" _I grumbled to myself.

"Kay Emmett, lemme' see my two matches." I ordered. His face paled, "dude, you look like you've seen a ghost!" I laughed, "what, is the big, manly Emmett afraid!" I laughed, I always milked it when I got a chance to tease Emmett.

"Hey! Shut up dude, that insult coming from the 23 year old man that still watches Peter Pan!" Emmett shot back. I gasped.

"You know" I whispered. Emmett rolled his eyes. "Duh! When you were 5 you said you wanted to marry peter pan, and you even made the wedding invites." My jaw dropped, " I did WHAT!" I screamed.

Emmett rolled his eyes, just friggin drop it. I freaked out because LOOK at this chick!" He tossed the laptop at me. I gasped and amazingly caught my laptop before it fell. I glanced at the women's profile and suddenly my eyes widened. There was a gorgeous brunette in the picture. **(I'm not going to do the description, but just imagine Bella with a 17 year body & a veggie vamp, thanks)**

**xoxox, thanks for reading, Review & again thanks for reading!**


	4. Dear Isabella?

I had taken the laptop up to my bedroom and read over her profile over and over again. She was just to good to be true.

A) she was beautiful b) we had everything in common. C) She was HOT!

It was time to send her an email asking if she wanted to meet up with me. I was so scared, what if she didn't like me? What if she thought I was a crazy? What if she thought I was ugly? I sighed and started typing out the email.

_**Dear Isabella,**_

Okay maybe dear Isabella was a little too letterish. How about,

_**Isabella, **_

_**So we matched up. I was wondering if you wanted to meet up with me somewhere? And you can pick where if you want, I just really want to meet you. Thanks.**_

_**Edward Cullen.**_

I sent it and then shut down my laptop a bit dramatically. "Hey Eddie! Its time for that movie!" Emmett yelled from downstairs. "Jasper just got here, so don't make me wait for you to orgasm to Peter Pan!" My eyes bulged.

"EMMETT!"

_x.x.x_

I sighed, "Emmett I'm never going to find a parking spot. The theatre is always packed on Saturdays." Jasper chuckled and rolled his eyes.

"Stop whining Eddie, just pull up beside the theatre and let me and Jasper go in to buy the tickets." Emmett stated as if explaining this to a five year old. "Fine" I grumbled.

_**5 minutes later…**_

"Finally a spot!" I grumbled, parking the car a few good miles from the theatre. I shut off my Volvo and just sat back in my seat for a good minute.

_**I know you like it! The way I move on the floor!**_ I screamed jumping up and hitting my head on the car's roof.

"Emmett.." I growled. He was always fucking with my damn ring tones.

**Hey bro the movie starts in 5 mins. Get in here and stop thinking about your lovely peter pan ;) ~ Em**

"Will I never live that down!" I cried.

**Fine I'll be there in a minute Em, and quit being such a dick! :/ ~Edward**

**A/N: I know this chapter is really sort and pointless. But I have some serious writers block this week and just wanted to make a chapter. Next one I will try to make awesome! Thanks for reading!**

**xoxoxo**


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